Associations and Minimalism

 

 

 

“He who hath many friends hath none.”

 

-        Aristotle

 

 

 

Having lots of friends can be great. The social interaction shared over caffeine, a delicious meal or other pleasant common sources of enjoyment can be exhilarating! As human beings, we are social creatures by our very nature. One of the most uniquely human traits is our ability to communicate through spoken language. Not only are we able to accomplish this task with ease, but our brains are wired to give us the desire to seek out both verbal and non-verbal cues and respond to them. You might ask “what evidence do you have to support this statement?” Let’s try an experiment:

 

 

Begin a Zoom call with any group of people of both men and women all around the same age. In seven-minute intervals, begin to yawn and stretch your arms. Then, watch your Zoom feed to see who else yawns or stretches as you do. You will immediately notice the person or, in some cases, multiple people who also yawn immediately following your experimental display. These are the people in the Zoom chat who are watching your display feed. These same people are either watching you or are intently watching the screen of someone else that’s watching your feed. This is called the power of suggestion.

 

The reason that this experiment renders similar results time and time again is simple: our human brains are wired to pay attention to other humans! Perhaps this set of social traits had a more existential purpose thousands of years ago. Such social constructs as community and friendship could have been instilled into the earliest tribes of man to inspire mutual cooperation with other humans to overcome obstacles in their environment, fending off wild animals for survival or simply to watch other humans as an early warning system for possible danger, hazards or toxins. Regardless, these social traits still are ingrained deeply into human social conventions today. People who are loners or do not have many friends are treated as outcasts. Even those who have friends but no significant other are under societal pressures to couple and form lasting romantic attachments. Instinctually, humans know that being social is good and isolation is bad.   

 

 

Now that we have established that humans need other humans, the question remains: how do associations and minimalism fit together? Human beings are selfish by their very nature. In order for individual humans to survive, many of them had to choose to place their own personal needs above the needs of the tribe, group or society in which they lived. Altruistic tendencies were not necessarily the best way for early man to survive. Because of this, many of the human beings that did survive to pass on their genes were those who placed their needs first above the needs of others. Simply put, it is human nature to choose yourself and your needs above those of others.

 

 

The quality of your associations is among your greatest factors for either success or failure in society. If those in your circle are generous, altruistic, intelligent and honest, then you have an excellent chance for having a successful life with a little hard work and a very supportive social network. On the other hand, if you have a social circle filled with unintelligent men and women, liars, backstabbers and those who are only out for themselves, then you will have an uphill battle that will likely end in your imminent demise. Simply having a lot of friends is not a valid predictor of a successful life. Quality is far more important than quantity in just about everything in life, especially with whom you choose to associate!

 

 

 

 

 

Decimating your friends and acquaintances

 

 

 

 

Everyone has that one friend who you know isn’t good for you. They do not have the same goals as you do. They do not believe the same things that you do. Even their lifestyle makes you cringe when you spend an inordinate amount of time with this person! Even though you know that they are not part of your “tribe,” you still tolerate them because they have been your friend for so many years. There comes a time when you must cut ties for your own growth, maturity and personal development. Such an action should not be taken lightly. You must look inside of yourself and as yourself two things:

 

·        What are my personal goals, beliefs and values?

·        Do the people in my circle bring me closer to what I value most?

 

Throughout this method, it is vital that you are completely honest with yourself about what you truly want out of life. If you are looking for hope that there is indeed a better way to live than the one that you have chosen up to this point, then I can promise you that your hope is not in vain. Your future is going to be better than your past and you have the ability to make it so! That being said, it is imperative that you decimate your list of friends and acquaintances. That sounds pretty horrible, doesn’t it? Allow me to explain: while the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines decimate as to reduce drastically especially in number, the term originally comes from a Roman battle technique which executed one man in ten of the conquered army. To be clear, I am not asking you to kill one out of every ten of your friends and acquaintances! However, along those same exact lines, I am asking you to regularly count the members of your circle, known as friends and acquaintances, and reduce that number by 10%. Conversely, I am also asking you to continually make new friends and acquaintances that more closely align with your goals and values. However, any “new” friends should be selected with the utmost scrutiny. It would be far better to have increasingly fewer friends than to replace an old friend with someone who isn’t going to be a significantly better influence than the one with whom you parted ways.

 

Reducing time with toxic family members

 

 

 

 

While you cannot kick Uncle Bob out of the family for being an annoying drunk, your cousin Judy for starting drama at every reunion or your older brother for being a pain in your backside, you can choose to limit how much time you spend with toxic influences among your relatives. While a reasonable amount of time is necessary to interact with these people, it may well be up to you to define exactly how much time would be considered “reasonable.” Please do not misinterpret my intentions on this subject. While there may be a few people out there who actually need to stay away from their toxic relatives completely, I believe this number to be in the vast minority of most families today. Granted, there are definitely a few toxic people in everyone’s family. However, more likely than not, the individuals that cause such inflammatory incidents can be avoided with tact, diplomacy and a little finesse! Knowing what topics of conversation to avoid, how environmental stimuli affects these family members and how your own boundaries will affect these toxic interactions are the keys to success in reducing time with those in your family who are less than amicable.

 

 

A.  Avoid certain topics of conversation- If your family is like most, then many of your relatives likely have a myriad of conflicting ideas about morals, values, faith, politics, sexuality and other divisive topics of conversation. While you do not necessarily have to avoid any one of these topics, it is imperative that you do not allow yourself to get pulled into a heated debate over who’s right and who’s wrong on these types of issues. By knowing in advance which topics of conversation are triggers for conflict within your particular family, you can easily side-step such eventualities. Neither party is likely to change their mind nor get anything accomplished outside of creating a lot of undue stress and a headache. By refusing to engage them in a strife-filled battle of wits, you can plan ahead and avoid an unfortunate scenario in which everyone ultimately becomes a loser! Instead, come prepared to a family reunion, wedding or funeral with a practiced script of phrases that you intend to use to avoid these divisive topics of conversation. Not only will you avoid unnecessary conflict, but your apt replies to their attempts to draw you into an argument will cut the conversation short. At which point, you will have successfully reduced the amount of time that you will ultimately spend with them.

B. Being aware of your environment- Does Uncle Bob act like a sexist pig whenever scantily clad young girls in bathing suits stroll by wherever he is standing? Does Cousin Judy get completely smashed every time there is an open bar at a family event? Knowing how environmental factors affect the toxic traits of your relatives can help prepare you for avoiding them. Perhaps you could suggest to whoever runs these events to avoid the alcohol until after a certain time so that you can make your escape before Cousin Judy begins dancing on the table? Maybe the family reunion could take place in the winter or early spring so that the young ladies are nice and covered up for Uncle Bob? Unfortunately, most of these types of environmental triggers are largely unavoidable. The key is simply to be aware of them and plan accordingly.

 

C.  Knowing your own boundaries- Sometimes, our own decisions, life choices and values bring out the worst in our relatives. Knowing that someone in your family has an opposing world view than yours has an intoxicating allure to those individuals who thrive on conflict. Whether your political views oppose theirs, your faith incites their atheist world view or your favorite sports team is their team’s rival, anything can be used to easily antagonize relatives. Having boundaries becomes crucial to avoiding such instances of conflict. No matter how many times they try, stand your ground and make sure that they know that some topics are simply not up for debate. Family is a crucial part of human interaction. While you do not want to cut them out completely, be sure to know your own boundaries and use them to reduce time spent with toxic relatives.

 

 

 

 

Reducing time with toxic co-workers

 

 

 

 

Unless you are working permanently remote, you will likely spend more of your waking hours with your co-workers than you will spend with family, friends or other acquaintances! Whenever you are dealing with toxic elements within the workplace, your professional life becomes unbearable. While most people cannot completely eliminate time spent with co-workers, you can work towards reducing time spent around toxic influences in the workplace. Get your supervisor or manager involved in this process. Have a confidential, candid conversation about those with whom you have not successfully found a way to coexist. While we all have a few people with whom we would prefer not to interact, you must cite explicit instances in which this individual has become a nuisance. If you make a statement to your boss that does not describe specific violations of company policy, a blatant disregard for your safety or gross disrespect, then you will likely not be taken seriously. Do everything you can to work it out with this toxic individual before taking the matter to human resources. If you escalate this conflict too early in the process, then you will likely not be taken seriously in this instance or in any future complaints.

 

 

 

Depending on the nature of your work, you may be able to avoid this individual without getting management involved at all! If you are working in manufacturing or construction, it’s possible that your co-workers split up their labor in multiple crews or on different machines or worksites. In such a circumstance, you may get permission from a crew leader to switch work locations or trade assignments with another co-worker who is doing something in a different area. As long as the assignment is away from this other toxic person who you are trying to avoid, then it may be a viable option. If you are working in an office setting, it’s possible that someone might be willing to switch cubicles with you or you could ask to switch positions to work in a different area of the office. Do not be afraid to explore alternatives in lieu of telling your boss all about it if possible. Unfortunately, even if the other person is at fault, it is occasionally the person reporting the offence that appears to management to be the person who has a problem with interpersonal relations. Simply being aware of how things appear can give clues into which avenues and alternatives to pursue in your specific situation.

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